Ponderings of Mrs Kitson

Archive for October, 2011

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Looking forward to this view again!!

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Sensitivity and negative friendships

I have just been having a cuppa with a friend whom I love spending time with. She is one of those people that gets me, I am lucky enough to have a few friends like that. It’s comfortable and warm and lovely. I have a few that aren’t, but does that mean we can’t get along? Not at all. You have those friends that were placed in your life for a reason right? and literally you feel it. I like those moments. You connect on a deeper level and totally understand each other. She is the one you run to when you hurt, snot and tears streaming down your face onto your white t-shirt.

Anyway, this particular friend is sensitive, like me. I think that because of my tough exterior and outspoken personality (keep it inside folks!) people often miss that in me. I am the ferocious Mama bear protecting her cubs. I proudly wear that title like a Calvin Klein jacket, with comfortable pride.  On the other hand there is the sensitive me. I don’t just mean sensitive skin, stomach (at times), feelings etc. I am also sensitive to energies. Some of you I may have lost at that sentence. You may think it’s an excuse to be weak or it doesn’t exist. Spiritual nonsense. Those of y0u that don’t beleive what they can’t see. That’s OK, I respect your opinion. I won’t try to change it.

How many times have you been having an enjoyable, positive conversation with somebody and something confrontational and negative is said? I have too many times. I feel it too. The energy changes and I feel the all too familiar surge of frustration and need to retaliate. Not physically of course. Emotionally. I go away from these conversations having responded negatively thus snowballing the energies in the room in that direction. Why do I respond that way? I know how some people strip you of your positive energies to empower themselves like an unseen feeding frenzy. I have spent time with friends that behave this way and I go home feeling defeated, not wanting to return anytime soon. Robbed of my positive glow, I go home with some additional emotional baggage I did not ask for nor do I need. Don’t get me wrong, I am very willing to listen when my friends have troubles and love nothing more that working things out with them. Ultimately though, you will come across somebody that does not want to feel better and is stuck in a never ending loop of negative misery because that is what they come to expect for reasons you may or may not know.I am not a psychologist so I cannot explain this further. I do not wish to judge that comfort in negativity. I just need to know how to best deal with it from my perspective.

I may have said this before but, my Mum always said “Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes”.

We may not know why some enjoy the misfortune of others and wish to bring people down but the truth is they are out there. Masses of them, like Zombies feeding on the positive to feed their own negative energy. I am going to look at it simply from now on (or at least try) when in a similar situation, why do I feel this way, does it belong to me? If not, you can keep it, I will leave it with you (so hard to achieve). Endless times I feel another person’s frustrations or anger, even though they may say “I’m doing great” or “Nothing is wrong”. Oh yes there is, I can feel it. I can almost touch this dark cloud of emotion you have brought into the room. I have one more sense you didn’t realise i had.

I need to take my own advice sometimes and acknowledge who the lingering negativity belongs to, if it’s not mine, I won’t accept that gift thank you, it’s not a very nice one. You keep it. I can help you get rid of it though. Here have some positive moments.

Snowball the positives, melt the negatives. I’m certainly going to try.

Love Kelly x

Book Structure

Hello all!

I am in the process of going back through my book so far and recording the basic structure on paper. I realize I had written two names for the gothic girl when those first few chapters were coming together and I wasn’t at all happy with her name. I have now taken out all Maddie’s from the book, I didn’t like the name, it didn’t fit her personality at all so she was replaced. Funny how a writer needs to know his/her characters so well, history, likes, dislikes etc. Then how easy it is to be impersonal about them, like having a sims character in front of you, no don’t like that name, lets change it. I feel like I already have a lost souls dimension of flawed characters that didn’t quite make it. Poor unfortunate misfits! ;o)

Anyway, I need some structure, so that is what I am doing right now. Initially, once I had the story idea in my head I wrote one paragraph. That paragraph sat on my home pc for around 18 months. Its desperate need to grow eventually leading me to show my husband and teens after two (bravery inducing) glasses of wine. The response I got was a HUGE confidence boost, encouraging me to progress. So I did, I planned the structure of the book, the backbone of the story. That was around 12 months ago. So now as I sit here and bulletpoint my story, chapter by chapter and compare it to what I first planned, it is amazing to see the amount of change that has occured. No doubt there with be more and more change to come too. A literary roller coaster ride.

So from the conception of idea, to my current placing in Chapter 11 has taken me around 2 1/2 years. Procrastination has been my biggest downfall, but hey, I still love the story and the characters. If it takes me another four years, its ok. My aim is still the same. My ambition still remains and I love my ‘moments’  lost in the depths of my book. No deadline. No pressure, just enjoyable writing at my own pace. Lovely. Amongst the special things (and people- Love you my wonderful family and friends!) I cherish this Thanksgiving weekend, I’m Thankful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving ‘moments’

Love Kelly x

Progress

I am not posting a long blog today as I am venturing into the world of writing Fiction. I love portraying the character of Katherine in dire situations, gets my heart racing and my fingers can hardly keep up with my mind.

Here is my twitter post:

“The happiest feeling to complete another Chapter #exciting!! Onto Chapter 10….”

I CANNOT wait for you all to read it. No more previews from Chapter 8 to keep you all in suspense.

Feedback for the first 8 welcome!In first draft form it has many faults but the story is too good to not make perfect. Kimber let me know where you read to. Vicky, did you continue on with what i gave you?

After that, I shall be requesting the services of an editor. So Exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Recycling

I have the mundane task of re-organizing my kitchen today. I know (YAWN!), I’m interesting aren’t i.

Whilst sorting through all sorts of useless and useful stuff my mind begins to wander (as it does) and I wondered what to do with my old dish towels, you know, stained, holes, seen better days. I am an avid recycler whenever I can be, so I wondered if I could put these in the recycling bag. NO. Where do i put them then? You got it, in the regular waste bin bag which will eventually end up in a landfill somewhere, not breaking down as fast as society dumps their old clothing, materials etc. Sad really. Anyone any thoughts on this?

I did mange to find out what to do with my old out of date medicines/prescriptions. You have to pop them all out of their packaging into one plastic (e.g. ziplock) bag, put all the packaging in the recycling and take the bag with the old medicine/tablets to your local pharmacy/drugstore where they will send it off to be incinerated. Therefore it does not get lost in a landfill, into the earth, possibly creating some future mutant breed of scary drug fuelled species.

So there you go, useful information of the day :o)

Happy ‘Moments’

Kelly x

Parenting (Teens) 101

Now don’t get all defensive/excited/paranoid about this blog posting.

I am not the perfect parent, by no means. I do however have some simple house rules for my teens that I expect followed so today, I am sharing them with whoever is interested. If you like what you read, feel free to ask questions if you wish. If not, close the page, it doesn’t need to inflict negative emotions on your day. I am going to be blunt (I know, I know, so NOT like me, right?!) Take it or leave it.

1. NO IPODS/CELLPHONES/LAPTOPS/INTERNET ALLOWED IN BEDROOMS AFTER BEDTIME.

Yes, you heard me right NONE! When you are a teen, it’s all about your friends, which is a really good thing of course. You want your child to have as many nice friends as possible. You, as a parent are there to coach and guide your child in social situations, dilemas etc. Obvious stuff right?! Why then do so many parents leave their children open to anything the internet can serve them at night?! From a safer perspective I don’t want my child taking late night calls or facebook messages from friends they are going to see the NEXT day. If their friends are chatting online, they aren’t going to say “Hey I should be getting to sleep”, they are going to chat until they are nodding off to sleep in front of the laptop/phone/ipod, that could be 3am! Then you have a child who cannot concentrate in class, ultimately affecting work habits and lagging behind. Not to mention the grumpiness. On top of that, if you have an inquisitive child with access to the internet over vast spaces of time, with no parental security in place, you get the picture I am painting. One wrong word in that search box and they could be staring at an enticing collection of hard porn, violence and plenty of freakin weirdo’s lurking in the corners of online gaming and chat rooms. You know the middle aged kiddy seekers disguising themselves as your teens definition of ‘hot guys’.

I can hear them now “Mum you can’t do that, It’s MY phone.” Then the guilt sets it, right, “He/She is growing up. I need to give her/him freedom” Er HELLO?! You need to be a PARENT! First and foremost. Teens can be disrespectful and downright cheeky if you don’t set some ground rules (see point 2) So there you go, control their social media. It is a privelage you let them have, it is you who pays the internet/phone bill. Be a parent and lay down the rules. On top of that, you should know how Facebook works if your child is on it. It can be a dangerous place for a teen so teach them security and how to protect themselves online. Be on their friend list. If they are embarrassed or ashamed by this, tough. You allow them the privilege of joining the social media networks, they have to abide by the rules if they want to keep it.

I am not a control freak. I pat myself on the back, not for dictating to my children, but for teaching them right from wrong, being there every step to guide them and catch them when they fall. I will not snoop around in their facebook account but I do ask for the password and if any suspicious behaviour or trouble comes about, I say, sit down and lets look at your account. I go through friends lists, comments, photos and security settings. Only messages when there are friendship problems and I ask first.

Yes, teens need their independence and to make their own choices, but they are not ready to walk alone.

2. SPEAKING TO PARENTS WITH DISRESPECT OR A BAD ATTITUDE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE/NEVER WILL BE

OK. This is something I cannot stand. If you want me to treat you with respect, you must offer it. This works BOTH ways parents. Show your child respect before you demand it from them. Kids the same goes for you. Teens can behave like 6 year old with temper tantrums. Do you let your small child get away with it? NO! Then why let your teen walk all over you? I usually say “I will not accept that attitude and tone from you. It is rude. DO NOT do it again” You treat people the way you want to be treated. Give out in the world what you want to receive is a great way to be. We should remind our teens of this when they strop and stomp, shouting at parents and being disrespectful. I give two choices, you can choose to act that way with me and make life uncomfortable for yourself (I am NOT about to drive you to a friends house if you have just yelled at me and ignored me when you don’t get something you want). The other choice is this, be respectful and use your manners and correct social skills and I will want to return this respect to you. I own my behaviour, you own yours. Another thing we do in our home is this: When a time arises that my teens are being rude and unreasonable, there will be NO sleepovers and social outings with friends as it means you need to work on your relationships at home before you can think about them outside the home. Some of you may think this harsh, but the result I have is two very respectful young adults who have excellent social skills. I have always been complimented on the manners my children have. They make me extremely proud.

3. OWNING MESS

Ok I have been a little hard on my kids in the past where mess is concerned. If I walked into the room and they have piles of things on the floor, I would brush them into a huge pile and they had to clean it. If I opened drawers to put away clothes and the contents were balls of crumpled tops and trousers, out they came, onto the pile. Now they are older, if they don’t put their laundry in the washing basket (which they pass, every single day) and after completing the laundry, I come to find a pile in their room, guess who is doing their own laundry? Place you laundry is the basket and I am more than happy to do it for you. If their room is relatively tidy, I have no problems making their bed and vacuuming for them.

Want a friend to sleepover? Is your room tidy?

Any dishes or food left in your room for days? Guess who is hand washing the dishes?

Don’t deviate. If you have expectations in your home, stick to them. Don’t show you can be a pushover and maid, you won’t ever make life easy for yourself.

4. TIME

This is the most important! You don’t stop being a parent when your Children reach the teenage years. You can’t switch from parent to friend, you have to be both. Teenagers have hard times, HUGE emotional changes and not to mention the painful social situations. You have to be there for them. My kids know all they have to say is “Mum, can I speak to you in private”, and my time is theirs. There have been some difficult friendship and love situations. I offer the best advice I can and ALWAYS listen. I encourage them to feel what they are feeling, to not push it away or suppress any pain. It is human nature and I will hold you and love you through your hard times.

When you have this degree of trust, sometimes a situation may arise where you are told information about their friends, some of this information you may know the parents are not aware of. I have had this happen on numerous occasions and I have to assess whether to take action or not. Mostly I do not. There is a perfect reason for this, trust. I do not break the trust in confidentiality my child has placed in me and if I need to (for example if I think the friend in question is in danger or at risk), I will tell my child first and we will deal with it together. Don’t ever forget how hard your teenage years were, it’s a great tool to hold onto when understanding.

Do you know what mutual respect does? Enjoyable times spent with your Teens. Happy moments.  Trust.

Above all listening to your children is so important, have time for them, compliment and build their self esteem. Hug. Laugh. Show your pride.

I have taken far too long to write this blog, worrying about offending people, being judged, people thinking it is about them. It simply is what it is, my opinion, my honesty. Take it or leave it. That’s your choice.

Quote: ‘There are two things we should give our children. One is roots, the other is wings’

Enjoy your ‘Moments’

Kelly x